I have finally faced the fact that I cannot be alone with myself for long periods of time.
I constantly need something to distract me from my own thoughts, from knowing that It’s just me I’m dealing with.
So I often have the TV on in the background and I can’t work.
I can’t think.
No, dang it, it’s not good. Even now, the words are fumbling in a hazy soup in my head- I can’t articulate anything well enough. I often feel like i’ve forgotten how to use words. Or that my vocabulary is shrinking.
There’s such a tangle in there… something i don’t want to unravel. Something I’ve subconsciously put six feet under white noise. I’ve put it in a place whereto should I venture I— i lost my train of thought. It’s a mess in here and I am just now taking the time to try to smooth out the rug I’ve swept it under- so that at least i’m at peace with it. So that at least it’s not such a damn eye sore.
Ironically enough, I am most often in my head, imagining alternate realities, where I’m better off, successful, and on occasion, wielding a great sword (yeah so what?). When there is too much out here that makes me heavy, I go in there to solve the problem- but not when I’m alone. Not when I have to pay close attention to who I am.